The Fate of the Furious

The Fate and the Furious is that eighth part of the thirty film saga that is Fast and the Furious. All your favorite Wacky Racer characters return once again including Mr. Clean (Vin Diesel), Mr. Clean Dark (Dwayne Johnson) and Mr. Clean Irish Spring Edition (Jason Statham). Also, all my favorite memorable characters return including Mr. Clean’s girlfriend (Michelle Rodriguez) Ludacris ,(Ludacris), loud black guy (Tyrese Gibson), Not Snake Plissken (Kurt Russell) and black hacker lady who hasn’t been given a full name (Nathalie Emmanuel).

This time the Speed Racer crew has to stop the terrorist Ms. Spaghetti Hair (Charlize Theron) from stealing a whole bunch of nukes and holding the world hostage for all the pasta sauce! It’s a lot tougher to stop her because she convinced Vin Diesel to work with her as she promised him all the spaghetti he could eat. She also promised to not kill his infant son, but he only found out about the kid in this movie, so the pasta takes priority. And so it’s up to everyone who isn’t Vin Diesel to stop Ms. Spaghetti and her legion of terrorists buddies that includes generic white guy and slightly less generic white guy with ginger beard. I call him Gingeard.

There’s a really great character dynamic between Dwayne Johnson and Jason Statham. They start out as enemies, but then begin to bond over insulting each other, eventually learning to like each other over discussing what things they will put into the other person’s ass. It’s not gay at all, just too dudes talking about shoving stuff up their butts. They’re totally not gay. This ain’t the Fag and the Furious. Shit, I didn’t mean to write that – editor, please remove that last sentence. (Editor’s Note: Fuck you!)

The action scenes are not as fun this time around. The filmmakers try to bank off The Walking Dead by turning the cars into zombies and then having a horde of zombie cars attack other cars. Now that’s just too crazy for this action franchise where cars stop tanks and can land safely when being tossed out of jets. The zombie cars really took me out of the movie, especially since none of them started eating people. You can’t have that kind of grotesque violence in this movie where cars are smashed and set on fire. The good guys only shoot at terrorists and don’t kill any innocent civilians. Yes, they do launch a wrecking ball at a bunch of cop cars, but none of them actually died. It’s clear that anybody could survive having their car smashed in by a giant ball of destruction. None of them were killed in that scene and the ones that were probably shot unarmed black people or something.

There’s a scene where Statham has to save a baby while shooting at a bunch of terrorists, so he puts on some Alvin and the Chipmunks music to distract the kid while he slings around a baby carrier during the fight. The filmmakers clearly don’t know anything about babies. They prefer Raffi, not Alvin and the Chipmunks. Way to do your research, losers.

TRIGGER WARNING: Car violence.

This film has more graphic with violence against cars. There are scenes where cars are set on fire, torn apart in the street and blown up by missiles. If I were a car, I’d be deeply offended by how my automotive brethren are being portrayed on screen. Director F. Gary Gray will not be spared when the revolution comes and Pixar’s Cars becomes a reality.

Despite Charlize Theron’s tasty hair and the non-homoerotic romance between Johnson and Statham, I didn’t find Fate as great for my taste or my mates. The stunts were not as radical, the characters were not as ballin’ and the lack of a CGI Paul Walker really didn’t make me feel the family vibe. I can only hope that CGI Paul Walker will return for the inevitable crossover picture with Jurassic World so he can fight a CGI dinosaur. It’s what Paul would have wanted.