The Angry Birds Movie

Angry Birds is the latest please-give-us-money commercial by Sony in an attempt to keep their failing studio afloat. Several of the naysayers were skeptical about how they could make a movie out of a mobile game. Those people clearly have never played the video games and don’t understand the deep mythos of Angry Birds lore. And, yes, you do need to play the video games to understand this movie.

You can totally make a movie out of Angry Birds. It’s a story about a bunch of birds that are angry and then a bunch of evil pigs come to steal their eggs. That’s good enough of a premise for a story. Yeah, sure, it’s not a good story, but they still made a story so I won that argument. If you could make a movie out of Elf Bowling, then Angry Birds would be easy. They even have some great humor in the movie. There’s this really funny moment when some of the birds see a bunch of little birds and they mention using bird control. You know, like birth control? The jokes must have gone over everybody’s heads because I was the only one laughing in the theater. These are the jokes, people!

They gave a reason for Red to be angry because he has childhood bullying issues. I’m really glad they kept this backstory from the games. Well, okay, it wasn’t in the games – it was actually in my fan-fiction (don’t judge me!), but I’m glad that Sony remembered my story. All they need to do is pay me the royalty for lifting my work and all will be right with the world. If you’re listening, Sony, I will accept payment in the form of Angry Bird merchandise because I love the game and they’re for tax purposes.

The animation is just perfect as it beautifully articulates the simplistic shapes of the game. The Sony animation team could have gone a different route and made the birds look realistic with better proportions, clearer movement and emotionally engaging design choices. But instead they forget all that Pixar-level CGI and just make the movie look exactly the game without any extra bells and whistles. That’s exactly how I want my video game movies to look because if they don’t I can’t tell if I’m watching a movie based off my favorite iPhone game.

Movie critics have been complaining about the movie being anti-immigration because the birds hate the invading pigs. They’re so off base. The Angry Birds Movie is clearly about the Arab-Israeli conflict. The birds are meant to be the Jews and the pigs are supposed to be Muslims. I’m fairly certain one of the birds had a yamaka and that one of the pigs had a hijab. If I were Muslim, I would hate this movie. If I were Jewish, I’d praise this movie. But I’m just a white Atheist male who knows nothing about the Arab-Israeli conflict so I was just sort of indifferent to all this propaganda in a kid’s cartoon meant to sell games and toys.

And what do critics know about video game movies? They’ve probably never even played a video game and if they did it was probably some ancient game like Pac-Man or Sim City 3000. I’ve played Angry Birds so you can trust my opinion, gamers. Heck, I was playing Angry Birds while watching The Angry Birds Movie. At least I was until one of the security staff made me shut off my phone. That guy was just jealous because I’m Gold League and he’s probably not even good enough for Silver League.

I didn’t really enjoy the movie at that point because all I was thinking about was playing Angry Birds and all the Angry Birds products I could be buying. For that reason, the movie is too long. Sorry, Angry Birds fans, but this movie just didn’t do it for me if in the theater. Maybe it’ll play better at home where I can maintain my Gold League rank and pause the movie to go out and buy more Angry Birds merchandise.

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