Ghostbusters (2016)

If you hate the new Ghostbusters, then you’re a sexist pig who hates women and wants to see them all wiped off the face of the Earth. You also probably shove Chipotle burritos into your fat, fedora-wearing face as bits of tortilla get stuck in your disgusting beard. You also probably vote for Trump and don’t care about black lives.

I don’t care how much you loved Ghostbusters by buying all the home video releases, the plethora of toys and those sugar-filled retro snacks. Nobody likes you people anymore. Nobody likes Ghostbusters either. And that’s why this new Ghostbusters movie is the best Ghostbusters movie ever because it finally calls out that original movie as being stupid and sexist.

Not a single woman cared about Ghostbusters because it was a testosterone-fueled sausage party of machismo. There were no strong women in that movie – it didn’t even pass the Bechdel test so you know it’s shit. But now the women have taken it back thanks to director Paul Feigmale. He recasts all the primary male roles with female actors Melissa “Not That Fat” McCarthy, Kristen “Awkward” Wigg, Kate “I’m a Lesbian” McKinnon and Leslie “AHHHH” Jones. They’re all great actors. Don’t question their chemistry! It’s there! You’re just not noticing it past all your sexism.

These Ghostbusters are smart, strong women that don’t need no man to help them. All the men in this movie are stupid as they should be. Chris Hemsworth is the secretary of the Ghostbusters and he’s so dumb that he’s only present to be eye-candy for all the women to get the vapors. Remember how stupid and sexualized the original Ghostbuster’s secretary was in the original? Well, Paul Feig just turned that upside down and stuck it to the patriarchy. Take that, sexism!

And these Ghostbusters are funny, too. They don’t waste time with developing any character – they get straight to the jokes and one-liners. So many brilliant bits of dialogue about queefing, dead bodies and internet trolls make this movie hilarious. I couldn’t believe that most of this dialogue was improvised.

It’s about time we also had females in an action sequence. When was the last time you saw an all-female cast in an action scene in a movie retread based on a 30-year-old property? It’s about time! Remember that sequence in Ghostbusters when Egon started doing flips and shooting at ghosts with proton pistols? Well, now it’s Kate McKinnon’s turn and she kicks ass! She shoots all the ghosts with pistols because that’s now how you defeat ghosts. Forget all this trapping ghosts nonsense. Nobody cared about that aspect of Ghostbusters. Everybody just wants to see the proton guns fired wildly at hordes of CGI ghosts and we finally have it now with a woman’s touch.

The only bad part of this movie was all the references to the original Ghostbusters movie by directly lifting scenes and including cameos by the original actors. Nobody cares about these old farts! Look at that withered douche Billy Murray who has the most screen time of the original actors. This isn’t your movie, Bill! Get out! And take your male pig co-stars with you! Annie Potts and Sigourney Weaver can stay because they rock.

TheĀ ending was my favorite part of the whole movie as all the female Ghostbusters shoot the Ghostbusters logo in the dick. These women have finally achieved my dream: the destruction of the Ghostbusters franchise. Don’t you get it, nerd? This isn’t a remake, reboot or sequel – it’s a murder of the patriarchal reign of Ghostbusters. This comedy franchise was getting in the way of Paul Feig’s more original comedies. He needed to wipe this stain of a staggering franchise off the map. Death to Ghostbusters! Long live, feminism!

P.S. Please date me.