Fifty Shades of Black

Fifty Shades of Black is Fifty Shades of Grey with black people. It was intended to be funny, but I didn’t find it funny. It’s not because it stars black people – black people are funny. Well, no, not funny to laugh at, but laugh with. I’m not a racist. I have so many black friends and they didn’t like this movie either. So, I’m clearly in the white. No, I mean, right – in the right! I’m not a racist, I’ve never even said the N word. Well, okay, I said it once while I was alone in the car. I was listening to NWA and started singing along to the lyrics. The N word just slipped out of my mouth. But, don’t worry, I made amends for it by donating to the NCAA and Black Pies Matter.

But, yeah, Fifty Shades of Black was not a very good movie. I especially didn’t like how there were penises that were either really small or ridiculously big. That’s just silly; penises don’t come in those sizes. This inaccuracy really took me out of the movie and prevented me from concentrating more on the plot of Mr. Black breeding his concubine. I wanted to like this more diverse revision on Fifty Shades of Grey with a black cast. But Marlon Wayans is just not that funny as Mr. Black the way he constantly calls women bitches and makes wickedly racist statements. Wait, can black people be racist? Please tell me!

I did laugh at the way Wayans portrays white people as being snobby rich elites that serve black people fried chicken and Kool-Aid. It’s funny because white people are racist. B-But not me; I’m not like those other white people. I would never serve black people fried chicken and Kool-Aid. I would make them a steak with vegetables and rice. But not Uncle Ben’s rice!

One element I really didn’t care for was how Mr. Black’s “play room” was actually a room with a television and an XBox. I’m a Playstation man myself and was displeased with how the movie promoted Microsoft. Sony is clearly better across the board in terms of consoles, video games, hardware and pricing. What a shill of a movie that has little understanding of ethics in video game depiction. Also, the sex scenes were offensive.

There are a lot of references to modern movies that most of you avid movie watcher will be able to spot. They don’t really fit into the context of the story and they’re not exactly funny, but…well, they made the references. It makes you feel smart when you can look at the screen and say, “Oh, that’s a spoof of Whiplash. I watched that movie.” I was a little confused by the reference to Zero Dark Thirty where Marlon starts torturing a woman asking her where Osama Bin Laden is hiding. I didn’t even know he was still alive. It seemed strange that the movie would introduce a new character so late in the movie.

This movie also gets major points off for sexualizing Florence Henderson. I didn’t want to feel that way about the mama Brady when she’s so old, but now I do. Thanks a lot, movie.

Overall, Fifty Shades of Black is a bad movie that I wouldn’t recommend for white or black people. Not that I know what’s best for the black community! I swear, I’m not racist! My privilege has been checked and everything.

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